That Thing, Physics

Originally published in January 2024, access restored April 2024.

In high school I made a Space Engine screenshot about two comets in a fictional planetary system. They appeared to be close, almost orbiting their sun together in the moment. However, the dust tails behind them gently hinted about their totally different orbits — in other words, they were close in the physical space, but far apart in the phase space.

Those two images summarized quite well how I felt about school. That the physical proximity between me and my classmates (peers, opponents, and the occasional crush) need not entail future acquaintance. Which turned out to be a fair estimation.

I’ve moved far beyond that stage of life. Far beyond the realm of technical exams and “show this, prove that” homework assignments… So far that sometimes I feel like I’ve been losing sight of what is next — or the confidence that I had any knowledge at all. Pushing ahead my research slowly and sometimes stalling for days, I have been giving myself pressure to step back to question why I started this journey, and what I can realistically expect now that my PhD studentship is over.

That thing, physics. Am I cut out for it?

Probably not.

You can tell I am not good at publishing (or, I am good at perishing) just by setting a camera and seeing how hard it has been for me to focus and write. I derive great joy from focussed writing sessions, but they have been occurring to me less and less often.

After I sent out applications to places around the world, I listed out some other challenges; they are numerous. From the struggles of securing a job and funding to ensuring a sound personal future, and maintaining as well as demonstrating technical skills… I see myself more realistically as an enthusiast of physics — a gifted amateur — but hardly a professional.

Moreover, as an increasing number of post-doc selection committees seem to concur with this later self-evaluation, this reinforces the idea that my earlier dreams in this field were perhaps far-fetched and unfounded.

That thing, physics. Why did I start?

Like the comet in the opening image, crossing the orbits of others, near yet far, my educational history in physics has shown me many remarkable teachers and pivotal moments. Some encounters could have led to legendary opportunities, had I been fully prepared to embrace the potential side quests opened up to me. For all this I am grateful.

I burp out the following brief summary of human history at parties at times, just a few words, “we were lost in space”. This sentence rather aptly captures why I stayed in the physical sciences. We were lost. We are. We try not to be. This can give rise to a highly coherent drive. To understand the universe without ever being guaranteed that it could be done at all, or there would be a way out at the other end of the cave.

It has been a great adventure, and part of me does hope I’d loop around this mist of uncertainty and powerlessness, and resume — better, break through — my life as a physicist.

One can dream ignorant.

That thing, physics. What now?

It is true I am preparing for opportunities outside of physics. Still, any speculation that I’d just set aside my natural sciences training when functioning in the real-world™ is ludicrous. The as-of-now unofficial corporate tagline of FWPhys is “Do Good Work”, and that’s exactly where I plan to start. That thing, physics. My origin. Perhaps after all this talk about quitting, I am simply looking for another angle back to where I started, and to know that place.

Wherever life takes me, which might as well be physics, let’s say physics. Physics again, physics but different, physics but better. Physics but I truly pour my life and passion into it.

Physics, as I’ve never seen it before.

Physics, but I derive purpose from it, not despite it.

Physics, taking me to see things I’ve not imagined before.

That thing, physics. Anything. It is the AR sunglasses that Ryan Reynolds’ character puts on in Free Guy. It is the user interface of a video game mission except it’s wholly authored and penned by oneself. That thing, physics. A reason.

With it equipped you can go, and when you go, from the blank and scattered realms of life shall emerge roads and bridges, teachers and lessons, schools and traps. A story morphs out of elements of reality that would easily be dismissed by others. Places that’d be barren without you are now rife with opportunities, interactions, dialogues, joy, things.

Random passers-bys become your colleagues, friends, students, partners. That you are going gives them meaning. The act of going gives your own journey meaning, meanings that exist far above the denominal coldness of our common reality.

That thing, physics. Don’t wait until you think you’re ready.