It’s noted on my passport, and, I guess, somewhere confidential where they keep track of things, that I, 16, entered Aotearoa for the first time on 13 July 2014, fresh out of my Grade 10 in continental Eurasia, as a visitor to a family member in this country, carrying from home some holiday homework, half-scribble PhO notes, a then four-year-old Hackintosh and a good habit of diary keeping (via Voice Memos on my phone).
(I feel fortunate to have kept such journals — there are nine seasons so far! However, it feels peculiar to listen to my recordings alone: throughout the years, I was asking questions to my future self, noting the attainment (or loss) of important objects, and celebrating new friends and stories in my life. My recordings make a silent yet articulate facet of me. I have enjoyed doing so, and might share some in the distant future.)
Today’s my third anniversary of being here.
I arrived, travelled and, before long, had to leave. However, I decided — not knowing what was ahead of me, just to have more days looking at the clear southern sky and walking along the narrow SH 1; not knowing what was ahead of me, just to hear more stories of courage, freedom and adventure — to stay.
Today’s about my second anniversary of thriving here.
(I counted this to be the day I received my CIE AS-Level results. I finished my University Entrance standards and earned some $cholarship all in one year, but they were not what I’d talk about in this segment.)
I wasn’t particularly happy since the school year began… It was once quite a transition. Throughout my education before NZ, attention seemed to naturally congregate around high scores, and I craved good grades accordingly. The discrepancy between my good grades and lack of “automatic” recognition, at first, fragmented my confidence. Well, I was then to understand what others are doing around school and their achievements in their activities. It opened my eyes: that every path is, in its own way, a viable cause of fulfilment and recognition.
Realising this was the ultimate incentive: I simply had no justifiable reason to look down upon anyone’s passions and efforts, and I will have to consciously train, strengthen and extend my own skills and interests.
It was also about when I began learning the electronic keyboard…
(Shoutout to my neighbours who withstood that, only to be hit with guitar practice 10 months later.)
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//Well, I assume a touch of romance would better suit the atmosphere here//
Today’s about the first anniversary of loving here.
I did apply to get away for college, and after Boston and Pasadena had turned me down, I remained in Auckland. Though temporarily depressing, it was a period that allowed me to see my future in a much more proactive and responsible light. I began reconsidering what I took for granted growing up — abilities versus hubris — and learned a lot in interacting with my faculty’s staff and classmates. It was sometimes hard for me to fit in, but I am doing my utmost to be a friend, a learner and a helper.
It seems that my current life is sufficiently positive — as I recorded, roses bloom atop a grave — and I see this place as my home; the people, my friends:
“I expand my home into the world, not by point insertions, in which I rush between things in the escape of a challenge. Rather, I do so by a continuous expedition, in which every small move is cherished, and no one can ever stop us…” said I, in a recording in July of 2016.
“O’ brave new world! That has such people in ‘t!” Improperly quoting ‘The Tempest’ without its sarcasm, I love this new world of mine and the people with their stories that inhabit it, although I feel limitations in heaps of ways; although I am yet to reconcile with unexpected gifts and burdens of life and personal misunderstandings; although I might be leaving the continent for a while soon.
(Don’t overthink, I am referring to Zealandia)
(Oops! I forgot the romance thingy…)
(It’s not time yet for me to be in love, and I am glad that the other person of this relationship agrees)
(In some sense, life is about the optimal time to act)
(Thank you, so muuuuch)
(Speaking in Anakin style)
(Dopamine)
(Norepinephrine)
(Serotonin)
(…)
(Limerence)
(To be candid or respectful?)
(Am I above my chemicals?)
(What at all am I talking about?)
Despite my ongoing public dislike for publicity, be it not for the sake of myself, I thought, but for everyone who helped me to be where I am to-day, I had the courage to post this.
I remain frustrated that couldn’t see a bigger picture, but am adamant that I have been making my way towards something. As a naive science undergraduate, I dream about myself ‘researching’ out my future. Rights and wrongs, goods and bads, successes and failures… Hence, I am here, noting down bits of my experiences, hoping that my ideas might help someone under some circumstances on each’s own endeavour towards fulfilment and greatness:
Thank you, everyone of this world that I otherwise could hardly reach, for joining my journey in looking at the world from a different angle, and to make the world a better place’ in substantial ways in our time to come.
Home later,
Sf.
Sheffield, Canterbury, NZ