Thematically this is a follow up to That Thing, Physics. Well, most of my current life is the ring down of the life period that culminated in that essay being written and posted. Reality can be so sticky at times. Flavourless molasses. Maybe there’s going to be an aftertaste?
Auckland University offers 24-hour study space now, an amenity I have scantly taken advantage of. For someone who was rather vocal about access to such a place, I’ve only pulled a few all-nighters in my career so far. Once in Moffitt Library where I tried out the sleeping pod, shortly followed by another time when I was struggling with Physics 205B assignment — understanding what the questions were even asking for. And, most recently, once when I made it a mission I wanted my cosmological C++ code to compile and run no matter what. Productive times.
I am currently writing this on a university machine past midnight, but I have gotten little done before it had to come to this. I’ve gotten little done in the past while, long while. Not mentally on a break either — I still stare at my math, my code, fully aware of the urgency to test some ideas before optimal time window passes or, just that the cursor random walks from ever hitting “run”, and the keystrokes do not result in new writing on my Overleaf drafts.
Cool, textbook, mental block, I guess. Still not sure how I got here. But I sure am here.
My basic optimism remains, and is rather strongly re-validated, that I have randomly built up a comfortable set of real worldTM skills to stay alive rather comfortably as is. In early 2024, I awaited the paperwork that secure me my next basecamp for research, taught as a Professional Teaching Fellow and interacted with some brilliant kids, took photos that people liked and shared, and even the Consulting wing of FWPhys Inc. is attracting the first clients. Parts of my physics training getting rusty maybe. A day is still 24 hours. I sleep longer now even.
A fear looms, I guess — it’s always been there, but it gets more pronounced through imminence, through time, and my ending doctoral studentship. A fear looms that I am complacent with a life not seeking new ideas and ways in research, a fear that this should not be it, but also I am short on time and potency to make it matter at all. “He loves not knowing” (– Feynman), where did that guy go?
I wish I can face the fear head on, and end this state once and for all.
But yeah, I got nothing done again.